Frustrations and Stress

          I would first like to start out and say that I really love our film. I do. I love it to death. Even before we were chosen, Alexa and I had already decided that we were going to do our script no matter what. We love the story so much that we are willing to suffer for it. But it is killing me. The past two weeks have been full of frustrations and stress. I cannot go a single hour without thinking about our film.

Oh, film... film, film, FILM.

          My life has been consumed by film. Guess what? I resigned from my tutoring job because I can no longer afford to miss Wednesdays or Thursdays. Those two out of three days in the week have become so precious. Every minute, every hour, and every day counts. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think. My thoughts are now constantly consumed by our film. Are we going to be able to follow the schedule? Are we going to finish tomorrow? Are we going to finish at all? I'm the over-thinker kind of person. Added to that, I'm also rather paranoid at times. Now that the deadline is quickly creeping up on us, over-thinking and paranoia has become an issue. I'm constantly thinking of how we plan on accomplishing this film.

          So, so, so, so, so, so, so many issues have come up since this film project started. I shall first start off with the fact that a certain someone, I'm not going to name names, has bailed on us, not once, but TWICE. The first time around it was very understandable. We knew that there were things to be taken care of. Because of that first unexpected incident, we had to rearrange our schedule. And that was fine. Besides, at that point, our schedule wasn't exactly final yet. That was the first week. The second week, I took the liberty of planning out what we're going to do on every single day. The day comes for this someone to show up, and once again, it was a no show. The worst part is that we were not informed. We were left no message. No sorry. No anything. Once again, the schedule had to be rearranged. This time, the situation was not acceptable. This week was supposed to be our final week to film. I had the entire thing figured out. I was so sure that we were going to finish. But alas, things never go according to plan.

          Secondly, as co-directors, Alexa and I can pretty much control anything else that goes on around us: cinematography, editing, sound design, locations, setting, lighting, etc. However, it just so happens that the one thing that we cannot control is the thing that is killing us. Go figure. Actors. Acting. We cannot control how an actor is going to act out a scene. We cannot force an actor to remember his/her lines. We cannot force an actor to keep a straight face and stay in character. The worst part is that our actors are not part of the class. It's not their grade. If they choose to, they could abandon us at any moment and we'll be left to fend for ourselves with an unfinished product. The possibilities are endless. I know that, in real life, actors are not always going to be your friends. But in real life, those actors are getting paid. Our actors are doing it only because we asked them to. They are doing us a favor, not the other way around.

          I have never felt so frustrated in my life. I had about a million breakdowns today. At any moment, I could have chosen to blow up at my group or just walk away. But I didn't. I needed to stay strong, not only for me, not only for Alexa, but for my entire group, my friends. I stayed away for a while and let Alexa take the lead because I just needed to take a breather. I needed a moment to myself so that I could calm down and remind myself that everything is going to turn out fine.

          Ever since I departed from my group, I have been feeling this horrible guilt at the pit of my belly. I was acting like , dare I say it, a female dog to everyone in my group. When asked a question, I would answer in one-worded answers. There comes a point when being nice just isn't enough anymore. The first week, I was all about being nice. I begged. I pleaded. I was ready to do anything they wanted me to do as long as we could get that day's shooting done. This week was it. No more being Mrs. Nice Girl. If I didn't start taking it seriously, no one else would. Still, maybe I could have been not-so-mean about it. Strict, but fair.

          Despite it all, I still have high hopes for this film. We may have not shot a lot, but what we do have is amazing. I owe it all to my actors, cinematographer, and director. Without them, this film would be nothing.